Recovery is A Slow Process

I have been in recovery for an ED for the past 18 months. It hasn't been easy. Accepting the fact that recovery is going to take a great amount of time isn't easy either. I've had my ups and downs -- days where I have felt absolutely amazing and confident and free to eat whatever my body wants, and days where I have felt absolutely disgusting and secluded and wanting to starve my body from its desires. What marks recovery for me is NOT allowing those days where you feel like you're back to your ED self to win. These self-deprecating thoughts don't have that power over you; you control your actions.

Journal and celebrate every little thing -- no matter how insignificant it may seem. One of my biggest fears was cereal. No, I didn't push myself to eat a bowl of cereal. It took me 16 months to eat cereal, and truthfully, I am glad it didn't occur earlier. Recovery isn't about forcing your body to eat all the foods in the world. It's a slow process that happens naturally if you listen to yourself, namely by practicing mindfulness. It's okay if some steps take longer than other steps, but just remember that every step isn't small -- it's a humongous leap for you to become your most happy and satisfied self. Food is power; food is energy. It's going to take a while for you to fully understand that, and that is perfectly fine. I still don't understand that myself, no matter how many times I reiterate it. But that is okay. Don't let that incessant voice inside your head control you -- listen to your body.

Have a support system. Whether it's people who have also had an ED, or people you simply love to be around, don't be afraid to lean on those you love and those who love you. They may not understand sometimes what's going through your mind, which may be frustrating. However, I promise you, if you tell them and explain it to them, they will try to understand. For example, let's go back to my cereal. I told one of my closest friends and best supporters "Oh my god, I just ate cereal. How could I ever be so scared of this delicious treat!" They of course replied with a burst of laughter and a "how could you be scared of cereal." That comment hurt me, and I stepped away to use the bathroom and let out my emotions. When I returned to the conversation, that best friend didn't even know what they had done wrong. That hurt me too, given that they had been there for my entire ED and my entire recovery. But then I realized, they have never been in my position. How can I blame them for not knowing? When I was around 12 years old, before I had an ED, when I heard of people not eating all-day even if they were hungry, I would think to myself 'just eat. I have no idea how you could go the whole day without eating.' Little did I know, I would soon understand how they could --it was that voice inside their head calling them fat and ugly, and the societal pressure beaming down on them. So, if I myself a couple years ago was in the same position as my friend, somewhat ignorant of this painful voice, how could I blame them? Instead, I took it upon myself to teach my loved ones how I felt with my voice. And then I took it upon myself to teach my school... and then my community... and then strangers on social media... and now a website.

Recovery is a slow process, and what you do during that process (with patience and tenacity) will lead to a triumphant moment at the end of the tunnel.